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Week 6
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Artful Dodger:
Re-Rewind
I know that's the second week, but that song is deadly!

WORD OF THE WEEK:
Moon
-It's moon the way I lost that fiver. Horrid moon.

STATEMENT OF THE WEEK:
Viv (on how this older woman was getting close to this young lad before she left his company):
"She was a week away from knitting you a jumper."

DROP US AN E:
waltzer@excite.com

Let DJ Waltzer solve your party problems. Package includes: •Invitations designed and printed •DJ Waltzer spins the choons •Lights and P.A. included Prices from £250. Get a quote now: What type of party are you arranging? Birthday Club Function Corporate Garden Pub Charity House Date: Location: Your e-mail address: Invitations required On weekdays, you will receive your quote within 3 hours. Meath and Dublin Areas only.

NOTHING WRECKS ME BUZZ!
As some of you know, I have been racking me brains this week to find something that wrecks me buzz, but in fairness there really is nothing that does. I'm not a cranky sort of a guy, in fact you might agree that I am always on a good buzz and seldom in bad form.

Even thinking about some topics for this column, I couldn't come up with anything. People were suggesting things like vomit on the streets, the price of drink in Dublin, religion, Lotus Notes, FM104 and other evils of the world, but to me none of these things really wreck my buzz enough to write about them.

Take a look at religion for example. Now I am not religious at all. I am too busy and too intelligent for religion to mean anything to me. But I wouldn't advocate the destruction of it by writing in this column that it wrecks me buzz, cos it doesn't. I just don't need it. When I was younger, I used to try to persuade people that it was a big scam invented thousands of years ago to oppress people and keep them under control. I still believe that, but now I also believe that some people need it to give them hope and peace of mind.

When I have children of my own, I will not bring them up in a religious environment. I won't discourage their learning about it, but I will teach them that the reason for not pulling your sister's hair is not because ‘Holy God’ is going to be angry and send you to hell, but that she doesn't like her hair being pulled and you have to respect people's wishes and use socially acceptable behaviour. This makes them behave well with a common sense attitude and not because they have the fear of God in them.

Anyway, the point is that religion doesn't wreck my buzz. It's not for me but it does have it's place. I can say the same about FM104's late night talk shows. Even the price of drink being dear in some pubs has advantages: better clientele! I will happily pay an extra 20p a pint to know that I am safe enough to go to the toilet. If I knock into someone they are probably going to be ok about it. If I chat to a girl I know that she will be worth chatting to, and she's not just after me money, innit? So, what wrecks me buzz this week? The fact that nothing wrecks me buzz and I have to work extra hard to get content for this column. Now that wrecks me buzz!

-Gill and Aoife's Party
Check the pictures above. This was the Gillian and Aoife Leaving Party. Do you like the way I pieced the pictures together? So do I.

-Valentines Day!
Now girls, you don't have to send me a Valentines day card. I know you loves me, so it's cool, alright? And besides, I'm not sending you one! Ha.

-Serious Respect!
I have been getting such an overwhelming amount of positive feedback on the new Waltzer Experience site, that I thought I would just say a yowage CHEERS to yiz all! Some of the responses were as follows:

-Bouyakashaaaaaaaaaaaa on a styley website man. Keep smokin' the ganga and keep it real.

-I checked out your page Al - its class - best yet on the quality content side!
If I was your lawyer I'd advise against general release! - that dermo pic is cracker tho!!

-Oohmigod!
Alan I have just seen the picture and it is just cool. Everyone has been crowding around to look at it. Thanks so much.

-Big up on the latest edition of the waltza website !!!
I sends me girlfriend the text from it every week as she has no internet connection at work, she sez it is BRILLIANT too.

-Waltzer u truly are a man of no shame...fair play to ye....the pics are class....

See if you can guess who said what! Well I hope I can continue to deliver quality content, as long as you keep coming back! Bookmark this page now!

Gallery of "Misused" Quotation Marks
With Ali-W!*

Realize: Some people they don't know what quotation marks is for. Me knows and me know you knows, so me also knows you is going to enjoy this site I has found for you to witness. Alright. So some people, they is sending mails or they is making notices or whatever, and they is using quotation marks all over the place like there is no tomorrow. So I is on da Video Phone bangin' on to me man, Funk, to make sure that you check his site, innit? So, Funk, is that your real name?
-No it isn't.
-Aye, for real! Me real name ain't Ali-W. It not even Waltzer. Ha ha!
-Is that so?
-Aye. So why did you put this site up on the WWF?
-I wanted to encourage the use of proper quotation marks by making people laugh at the misuse of them.
-So tell me about misused quotation marks.
-You've "seen" them. Maybe on a sign at the "grocery" store, maybe in an ad in your "local" newspaper. Perhaps even in a "memo" that circulated throughout your company. They're quotation marks, and they turn up in the strangest of places.
-But you is just reading dat straight off your website.
-Well if this was a real interview, I would have something to say. Now my answers are just being made up by the Waltzer.
-Alright, keep it down, innit? Don't let out the secret, man.
-Stupid!
-So, Funk, tell me: Does you have anything to do? I mean, you mustn't get out much?
-No I "do".
-Hmmm. So "big" up to you, "Funk", thanks for keeping it "real" with us today. Can you leave us with a sample?
-Quite.

The following e-mail was sent around my office by an unsuspecting co-worker who is unaware of my Gallery activities:

I just found a small "silver" bracelet. If you can identify it and it's yours please come to claim it.

-I'm sure the owner of the bracelet was mortified when she discovered that the whole company now knows that her bracelet isn't really silver.