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How you like me now!       12 April 2004 | week 416

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Niall Luke and Waltzer bring you

The great waltzer.net pub crawl 2004!

Organised by Niall. Words by Luke. Photos and design by Waltzer.

The Players: Mairead, Marie, Ruth, Triona, Aisling, Waltzer, Lee Harvey Donohoe, Brian and Sir Luke.

The Pubs: The Porterhouse, Farringtons, The Auld Dubliner, Oliver St. John Gogarty's, The Mercantile, O'Neill's, Whelan's.

The Mission: To partake in a sociological research exercise commissioned by the website, www.waltzer.net.

The Real Mission: To go on a pub crawl!

QUOTE! "There was some sport on telly"—Has Waltzer just bypassed the Six Nations?

On Saturday 27th of March 2004, two great events took place in Dublin. The Irish rugby team won the Triple Crown for the first time since 1985, and more importantly, a crack team of 9 dedicated drinkers hit the town for an unforgettable night. And here is how it happened!


The highest rating for taste was the first pub, The Porterhouse with an average of 9. Maybe this was due to alcohol killing our taste buds as the night when on, but it is most likely, we were all just dying for a pint! The lowest scoring pub was Gogartys, though we will see later why this pub didn't feature highly on everyone's score sheets. Marie was particularly generous with her marks, giving 10/10 to all but one of her drinks. Who says girls aren't easy to please?

Unknown women QUOTE! "Too many women"—Ruth wasn't too keen on O'Neill's then.


Once again The Porterhouse came out on tops with an average of 8. Maybe we should have just stayed there, but sure where is the fun in that! Gogartys was the lowest again. Why did we bother? The cheapest Guinness was 3.95 in the Mercantile and the dearest, 4.30 in Gogarty's, they may as well turn you over and f--, well you get the picture. It cost Ruth E38 for her basic six drinks in all the pubs. Combine that with food, extra pints and Whelan's just goes to show they get paid far too much in Skillsoft. Waltzer's pints of lager were usually around E4.70 though he did get a free pint in The Mercantile. Lucky bastard!

Mairead QUOTE! "They gave me a proper replacement for a cracked glass"—Mairead gets the full works in Farringtons, Awww!

Staff Service

The Porterhouse, Farringtons and Auld Dubliner all hit home with an average of 8. None to shabby for the final match day of the six nations championship. Gogartys got 5. Now there's a surprise. One bartender in the Porterhouse took a special interest in our quest, going so far as to lend me a pen to fill in the sheet. Luckily the pub did well because he wanted to read it afterwards. According to Waltzer, there was no staff in the Mercantile. Who the hell did he think was running the place? Waltzer and Niall also found the bar staff cute in the Porterhouse, I wonder if they meant the guy who leant me the pen?

Cute bar maid QUOTE! "Hot, hot, hot bar staff"—Niall unfortunately fails to score at five in the evening!

Staff Friendliness

Eight for the Porterhouse and Auld Dubliner put these top of the pops on this one. Gogartys got 4 and trust me, it will get worse! My particular lowest was for the barman in O'Neill's who stood there talking to another staff member for over a minute while I was waiting, even though he could see me. I think such legendary ignorance can only be rewarded by a special mention here.

Burger King QUOTE! "Food expensive for what you get, typical"—Hey Marie, at least it wasn't Bugger King!


The Porterhouse has been knocked of its perch with only six because nobody had seats. What can you expect during a rugby match people in all fairness! Farringtons came up trumps with 8. Marie gave it 10 but then she did get the sofa! Gogartys earned an almighty 2 which I have to say is more than fair as we weren't too keen about standing pressed against the small amount of wall space we managed nab.

Matches QUOTE! "There was a funny smell near the top of the bar, like the time we set fire to the school"—Did I really do that? Oh the aroma of the Mercantile.


Topping the pile here with 8 is 'yawn' the Porterhouse again, with Gogartys sitting at the bottom of a very deep ambientic barrel with a paltry 2. Are we bad people really? No, the place was just bloody brutal. Though Waltzer did go as far as awarding it 4 for, for ambience, Must have been those cute bar staff again. He only gave the Porterhouse 5 but that was sorted by resounding 10s from Mairead and Ruth. Mairead gave Gogartys 0. So at least we know she went through heaven and hell for this pub crawl!

Gogarties QUOTE! "Awful. Really, really awful"—Ruth
"You can smell the jacks from here"—Luke
"Smelly toilets"—Marie
"What a shit hole"—Niall
"Smelly walk to toilets, sticky floors yuck, shit hole"—Mairead
"Tourists galore. Pube on glass"—Waltzer

Gogarty's, come for the toilets, stay for the pubic hair. Even funnier was he finished the pint anyway!


Farringtons and The Auld Dubliner top the charts on this pub crawl. There were no tunes in the Porterhouse, just the sound of victorious fans. I don't remember any music in Gogartys though it seems kind of fitting that it scored a redundant 4 in this category. We are spiteful people! O'Neill's scored a 7 for music though half of the review sheets claimed there was no music, which meant the rest of us were hearing things. Still it was shortly before the final exodus to Whelan's so I for one had music in my head.

Vodka QUOTE! "Disclaimer: Please don't hold me to anything I have said on this form. Drink is an evil bad, bad thing"—Who the hell do you think you are kidding Mairead!


The Porterhouse picks up the Oscar for this with 8. Surprise, surprise! And more shocking still, Gogarty's rocketed up to last place with 3! Once again Waltzer has provided some result disruption. He voted the Porterhouse 5/10 and Gogarty's 4/10. There is no pleasing some people!

Niall QUOTE! "Hot Spanish chick tried to chat me up. I was too dumb to do anything"—Niall unfortunately fails to score at six in the evening!

Toilets - Cleanliness

King of the bogs goes to Farringtons with 8. The rest were 7s, which on a crowded match day with many a urination going on, is pretty good. Gogarty's however doesn't count as the rest with a unique 1. And my god it earned it. You could smell them from the bar. And what a smell. A pig from shit would have been put off. Luke, Waltzer and Ruth were the biggest pissers, going in every pub. Niall had five. Marie knocked up 3; unfortunately one of those was in Gogarty's. Now there may be an error here but according to the results, Mairead only went once, in Gogarty's of all places. Stranger still, she rated it six. Where did she go considering everyone else gave it a big fat 0?

Marie QUOTE! "No feckin' music, kills the buzz"—Girls just wanna have fun, well Marie does!

Toilets - Access

Farringtons topped this again with 7. What toilets they must have. Everywhere else involved far too many stairs. Need I say it, Gogarty's got 2. Ruth gave the access to Gogarty's toilet 6, while Mairead gave it 1. Where was she trying to get to?

Ruth QUOTE! "Really sweaty and hot"—So Ruth found the sauna in the Mercantile anyway!

And so concludes the analysis of the rating giving to the pubs, but there remains a few things still to be said. As I mentioned earlier, I would talk about Gogarty's. There was not one person impressed by this place. The smell from the jacks enveloped the right hand side of the bar. The pints were on the whole, more expensive and more poorly tasting than the rest of the pubs visited. It was the quickest stop of the evening as drinks were downed in record time to get the hell out of there. Maybe it was the evening that was in it as I don't normally like to be unnecessarily harsh about something but the place struck a chord with everybody and unfortunately it was F minor.

Waltzer QUOTE! "Took a while but we got a seat, nice here. Table not cleared though"—No, its not our collective mothers' joining us in O'Neill's, but Waltzer putting a human face on pub six. You have to admire the coherence though!


And finally on to the last bastion, the final resting place of the evening. Whelan's wasn't here for people to rate, but sure such a quality establishment is beyond the rating of mere mortals. Though I myself would have given it 10 all round and 11 for the music, even if the toilets there aren't the Mae West. And we even had a special guest in Whelan's. Ste Farrell who had been unavoidably detained earlier arrived to monitor our progress and I am sure he made some headway into playing catch up himself. It was a good way to round off the evening with some pernod, great tunes, a cloudy head and one last cigarette in the great place before I stepped out on to the chill night street, took one breath of fresh air and realized that my next port of call was bed, and the state I was in, that was definitely going to get ten out of ten!

Luke QUOTE! "The first two tunes were brutal, I was forever prejudiced. I was wrong, Beyonce rocks"—The amelioration of the music has me truly dumbfounded!

And so concludes the inquest into what went on when we decided to crawl the pubs of Dublin. A good time was had by all even though we didn't fit all the pubs in, but sure what harm, there is always next time! I could waffle on at length to try summarise the events in this, the parting paragraph, but I think will leave you with some parting words that appeared on the back of my ratings sheet:


This Guy Smells (Mairead)

- Luke Ryan



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Waltzer is a graphic designer who lives and works in Dublin. He likes interesting photos, funky web sites, fun people, minimalist design and retro toys.
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