Welcome to Tackyville! October 2005 | week 542
Wine (drank at a speedy rate) + Turbulence =Happyheadz all round ;-)
Triona Byrne, Oct '05
Ladies and gentlemen, that's how it began and we started as we meant to go on. But that's what happens when you take a bunch of people with too much time and not much sense. Stick them on a plane to Blackpool for the weekend and tell 'em to 'GO NUTS!'
We get to Blackpool at lunchtime on the Thursday, we're talking Triona, Mairead, Ruth, Brian, Ste, Waltzer and Luke. Taxi to the place we're staying, hardly the Hilton but that doesn't matter, its cheap and cheerful, and very quickly out of bog roll too! First off, we hit a pub, as unlike the organised Brian (who brought Sterling and a travel iron) most of us needed to get cash and the first ATM we found was in a pub, and sure when in Rome! So we stopped for a pint and a munch and then its off Go-Karting which was savage old fun altogether even though we managed to breach just about every rule of the road along the way. In fact I could almost swear I saw Ruth texting somebody as she lapped me and Ste was doing his eyeliner at one stage!
Following the dazzling excitement of this we hit The Manchester Pub for afternoon pints and a bit of craic. Visitors to the Manchester can expect to see the likes upon the wall:
It didn't stop Brian Coyle!
And it was also in this pub where we concocted the story that now becomes the legend of how we stung Niall completely in possibly the best Punked there has ever been! Please see the appendix.
Waltzer: A few pairs of jeans would have been nice. I had to iron the rain out of my one pair every morning and evening! That's what you get for forgetting to do some washing the day before!
Luke: Speakers for the music though Waltzer did a bang up job sorting that one out! wish I had brought Lyons tea bags too!
Ruth: Maybe a weather changer, if such a thing existed! Although I think a butt plug for Steve would have been ideal! Not that I own one, lets clear that up now!
Brian: Travel Iron.... no wait a minute!!
Ste: Slippers! The things that carpet has seen!!
Ben: Bring spare shoes to the pub for the missus. That'll save a £13 fare/20 minute taxi ride so she can go and change them. Make sure she eats before we go out too so we don't have to go get dinner half way through the evening.
And then Niall arrived that evening at about half six, up from London where he has been raising hell since July, well growing a beard anyway but as everybody maintained, it was very neat and tidy! He said he got himself a beard trimmer! And it was shortly after he arrived that we Punked him good but I will get to that later.
We had cans and spirits in, everybody was in great form, getting ready to go out, having a few bevies, and then its time to hit the town. We head to a place called Brannigans (I think) and stumble upon a sort of beauty contest for Chavs or something, I think it's a kind of thing they run so that each year, one lucky punter working the Till at Sainsburys gets another chance in life. But the band that played after it were great and we danced, and drank some more and I spilled my beer and Niall laughed, but they weren't all Happy Days, like that time me and Tom Bosley lost some money to those card sharps...
After that we headed for a place called Rumours where the staff only wore their underwear and we wore smiles! Now they were happy days! Was good craic in the place and after a while we went downstairs but the bar staff wore more clothes down there. And after all that, we headed back to the apartments for a few cans before drawing the (manky) curtains on day 1 in Blackpool.
Waltzer: Walking up the promenade along the cheesy lights and dodgy chippers.
Luke: Probably Mairead finding the machine with the lace sex suits for a pound, Blackpool is tacky but that was the cherry on a very tacky bun!
Ruth: Hmmmm, Mairead's new underwear, tacky is not even the word!
Brian: Shirt got ripped off, or the knickerless burd on my knee
Ste: Standing on a revolving dance floor!!
Ben: Blackpool? Tacky? How very dare you!
Triona: The friendly local convenience stores that sold rocks, flickering light things, alcohol, sweets and vibrators all on the one shelf and realising Blackpool is actually just an exploded version of Bray!
Day two and the housemates awake early with headaches and some with bad gas. They ponder the excesses of the night before and realise, what a brilliant night! We all head to the Pleasure Beach for the day and along the way grab some brekkie in a greasy spoon café. And on to the Pleasure Beach we went. So of the amusement rides there were fantastic, especially the Viking themed Valhalla. Upon entering you are informed, 'You will get wet, you may get soaked'. As most of us went on it twice in a row, we were saturated. Though unlike the rest of my jeans wearing buddies, I chose to wear tracksuit bottoms and a football shirt so although I looked like a scobie, I was dry again in ten minutes. Other excitement was provided by the range of old and rickety roller coasters, one was built in 1958. That weren't scary insofar as being too high or with big loop-the-loops, but scared the bejaysus out of us because you couldn't help but feel the whole thing would collapse as you shuttled around it in great pain, top stuff altogether! Then there was The Big One, a thundering behemoth of a roller coaster reaching speeds of 80 miles an hour and dizzying heights that I wasn't going to reach. While the rest of them went for a hurtling journey on the ride, Ste and myself stayed on the terra firma and readily agreed that we were better off for it. We know how to enjoy ourselves but risking losing the contents of your stomach (possibly via either end) certainly wasn't one of them. However the braver ones amongst us came stumbling of the ride full of beans and delighted that they had done it!
That night, Brian and Waltzer kept the party flag flying by heading out on the tiles with Ben and Martha who had arrived up from Lowestoft that evening to join the fun. The rest of us stayed in with a few beers and Channel 4. Not very rock n' roll but turned out to be a damn funny night and what with it pissing rain outside, it was good to stay dry. Though from the reports back the next morning, a great night out was had by the revellers including Brian getting set upon by some lovely ladies who had no problem ripping off his shirt. He wasn't the only person missing some clothes as some lady who was sitting on his knee at one stage turned out to be going commando. I tell ye, Blackpool is hardly the warmest place on Earth and she'd be a brave woman!
Waltzer: Steve for farting once too many times! Also worth a mention would be the toilet roll running out.
Luke: I would have to agree with Waltzer and say Ste's farting too, that one time when he filled the whole room with a violent gaseous odour was bad but throughout the whole weekend, rotten!
Ruth: Steve's smelly farts! UUGGHH!
Brian: Me for being a cheeky cheeky bed-sneaker into
Ste: Double Vodka and Redbull.
Ben: Alan grabbing my crown jewels. He's been doing that a lot lately.
Triona: Steve and his flatulence problem
Day three and its back to the Go-Karting track again and this time its 50 laps. There was a lot more venom and vengeance this time round as we all were well used to the cars from the other day. And of course we went for a pint before we started our engine, purely medicinal mind! And after that, off to the pub for a few pints with Niall before he hit the minty highway back down to London. And it was in that very pub itself that Ms. Triona Byrne did in fact whoop Stephen Elizabeth Farrell at pool! It was small step for feminism, one giant step backwards for his therapy! And what with such shocking antics going on, sure what else were we to do for the day but go to another pub to meet up with Ben, Martha, Brian and his mate Dave who had hot footed it down from bonnie Scotland for the night. It was strange as we went into that pub at about 5 in the evening and it was heaving with revellers already looking like they had consumed a skin full and dancing like crazy, the likes of which you wouldn't expect to see in Ireland until 9 or 10 at night. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy...
After that we walked back to the apartment to pull on the glad rags for a night of savage partying in Tackyville. It was very windy walking back up the promenade but there was one brief sight of beauty amongst all the lunacy of that town, however within a few hours in soon changed to something completely different altogether!
Our last night in Blackpool saw the hitting of the town in quite a marvellous display of disgracefully good partying. We started off in Brannigans again for a few scoops and I figured things were getting dangerous when Mairead arrived back from the bar armed with cocktails. Still, down the hatch they go and off to another club we went, which was called Cahoots and it had a dance floor on the 2nd level made of glass so you could look up to it from the ground. They were even polite enough to warn the girls who may not be wearing knickers but chances are, they were tied up with Brian!
And that is where we started drinking the half-yard cocktails (see above) that were probably not a good idea but they were too tasty not too have one or two, or was it three, sure who's counting. It was good crack in there and I also spilt another drink but 2 over the course or the weekend is nothing at all really.
And after that, some of us went the extra mile and headed to Syndicate, a monster club with podium dancers, a thundering sound system blaring out thumping dance music, laser lights, big screen graphics, and last but by no means least, a revolving dance floor! It was great craic in there. Ste insisted on starting into double vodka and red bulls and who was I to say no, and from what I can tell from the photos Triona and Mairead were sinking them too. And so wrapped up the last strains of partying in Blackpool for 2005. Well there was a couple more cans sunk when we got back to the apartments, drunk and sweaty but satisfied after a crackin' night out!
Waltzer: When my pint fell off the shelf in the pub - I went to the bar to get another. Next thing Brian starts chatting to this girl and BANG his bottle falls off the shelf! Also funny was when Brian brought a newspaper into the jacks. And the photo of Molly was hilarious.
Luke: Punking Niall was class and the editing job Waltzer did on the Daily Sport was fantastic (see below)
Ruth: Niall, you've been punked!
Brian: Birdshit on the head, or Waltzers "I wasn't expectin that!.. I wasn't expectin that!" " on the roller coaster
Ste: Trina completely pissed by 9pm the day we got there!
Ben: When a middle-aged bint had a go at Alan for taking a picture of her undercarriage and not her face while she was sitting on Brian's lap with her leg in the air. Well what do you expect? That's what she deserves for not wearing panties.
Triona: Nialls face when we told him Scottie had put a bun in Ruth's oven!
And other than that, we stumbled back to the airport on the Sunday morning, tired, hungover, but in good spirits after a great weekend. Blackpool is not somewhere to go for museums, art galleries or culture (except the culture growing on the walls), but we're not our parents so feck that stuff. We wanted somewhere to let our hair down, run wild and free, take advantage of drinks promotions and top up on the thrills upon roller coasters and crazy fire breathing Viking adventures! And we got it, Blackpool, a hell of a lot of fun but best leave your Gran at home (unless she looks like the bird in the daily sport!)
Waltzer: I'd say the go Karting was the best buzz, followed by the roller coasters.
Luke: Just the general buzz over the 3 days was great, no arguing or fighting, just having a smashing weekend with some sound people! Hockeying the lot of ye at go Karting on Saturday was class too!
Ruth: Steve's face on the vertical drop ride! What a picture! Or maybe "The Big One", scariest experience ever, or Valhalla, oh I don't know, so many highlights, it's too hard to choose! Actually, the spinning room was pretty freaky and weird!
Brian: Shirt got ripped off
Ste: Niall getting punked!
Ben: Seeing you for the first time in over a year. The rest of you I hadn't seen for over a year and a half or never met. I'll be over for Paddy's Day though - promise.
Triona: All of it, sh*t place but great crowd!
While sitting in the Manchester Pub on Thursday afternoon, we decided that upon the draw of one card (6 of Clubs), the recipient would be responsible for playing a practical joke on Niall. Ruth drew the card and discussions began until we came up with ideas, which metamorphosised beyond all control until we had an Oscar winning script on our hands: Tell Niall that Ruth was pregnant with Brian's kid!
So we are all back in the apartment drinking and having a laugh and Ruth is having a cigarette. This was the key for Brian to interject on behalf of his as yet unborn phantom baby's health and he asked Ruth to stop smoking and go easy on the booze. It was a case of quietly does it as this argument unfolded. This was perfect as I was talking to Niall yet we could both sense something was going on but not quite sure what. Niall later said he sensed a ruckus brewing but was trying to ignore it. Then Brian, who had raised the volume of the argument somewhat, got up and left the room.
Everybody leaned in enquiring why he left and now the boy Donohoe was hooked, he knew something was up but nobody seemed to want to say anything and Ruth got up and left. And then, with all the skill and care of somebody working for the Samaritans (How she kept a straight face I'll never know) Triona leant across and whispered to Niall, "Ruth is pregnant... With Brian's baby!" You should have seen Niall's face drop, I am surprised he didn't need a facelift to get it back up, he was stunned. And with that, everybody started to recount how they first found out and also most of the people who knew had to invent some kind of excuse to briefly leave the room as it was nigh on impossible keeping a straight face. But we managed it!
At one stage, Stephen asked what Brian and Ruth (who were still outside) were doing and I said, 'Probably working on number two!' Niall looked horrified and replied, 'Too soon, far too soon!' And finally everybody returned to the room, last of all Brian. He came in and stated that he wanted to say something as he knew we were all here for a good weekend, and Ruth and Mairead were telling him not too but he insisted and said that he wanted everybody to enjoy the weekend regardless of what happened and then said to Niall, 'You've been punked!' At which point 25 minutes of repressed laughter erupted. It was class. And though I haven't mentioned Waltzer yet, probably best of all, he filmed the exact moment of realisation. FANTASTIC!!!
Words by Luke Ryan.
Hope you enjoyed this action packed waltzer.net! Come by next month for more crazy antics. Thanks Luke for the writeup! Luke Ryan is a stand-up comedian who can usually be found on stage in the Ha'penny Inn in Dublin city.
Brian: You'd forget your face if it wasn't painted on.
To Mairead when she almost forgot a bag
Ambitious girl wants to be the next Jordan
My other car is imaginary
Need a number in a hurry? Dial 1800 ASK ME BOLLIX
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